When my husband and I talked about getting married and having children, I said I wanted four children.
My husband already had three children in their teens when we meet.
While he agreed to that number, I do have to admit he did laugh and say,
“Well, you’ll probably change your mind after the first one. Kids are a lot of work.”
As luck would have it. We didn’t have a first one.
We had a first two.
Twins.
They came after failed infertility treatments and trips to the marriage counselor—again.
They came after 3 1/2 months bed rest.
They were healthy and a miracle and I was so happy.
We both were.
I promptly told him 7 days after bringing them home how happy I was and that I wanted another.
He looked at me momentarily shocked into silence.
I can still see his face as he stood outside the bathroom door.
“No one thought you’d want another child after 3 1/2 months of bed rest.”
I smiled and said, “They were wrong. I’d do it all again for the same outcome.”
2 years later we had Pumpkin.
Now we had two boys and a girl.
Big Daddy felt we were done.
“I couldn’t not let you have your girl and now you do. We are done now.”
I tried to be done.
I said, “I know we are done” even though I didn’t feel it in my heart.
I said, “I know she is our last baby” even though it broke my heart to consider it.
I gave away baby clothes as she outgrew them to make myself believe the words.
Finally I stopped. It hurt too much and I started secretly saving her clothes again.
After Pumpkin turned two I started feeling a panic in my chest and the unmistakable feeling that someone was missing from our family. Needless to say my husband didn’t feel that way at all. For several months I kept silent. For several months I begged. This was not a happy time in our household.
It would take almost 4 more months to get him on board.
He said it was because Pumpkin so obviously needed another sibling that wasn’t a twin.
I had my own reasons and really, what did I care? We were going to have another baby!
We got pregnant and then I lost the baby. On his birthday no less. It was horrible.
We got pregnant again and for a time it looked as if we would have twins again. I was elated.
As it turns out one twin stopped developing as sometimes happens early on.
There was no miscarriage. My body simply absorbed it according to the OB.
Now in my mind I had lost two children.
Although one was more traumatic than the other.
Both physically and emotionally.
I wanted to mourn the baby we weren’t going to have.
But my husband wouldn’t hear of it.
We are pregnant. We have a healthy baby. We just saw the heart beat.
Be happy.
And I am happy.
Happier than I ever thought I could be in this life.
Happier than I know I deserve to be.
So why do I still wish for another?
Why can’t I be like the mothers who say, “I am so done having children”?
Does the desire for more children ever leave you?
It is not that my children are not enough.
But rather that they are so much it makes me desire more of them.
Our family is everything to us.
My husband is now an amazing husband and father.
He has turned into a father who regularly gives up golf addiction to be with us.
Who is this man?
What happened to the man I married almost 10 years ago?
I thought I was in love with that man, but truth be told I love the one I have now even more.
God has changed our lives.. Blessed our household.
Am I wrong to want a quiver full?
How do you know when you are full?
If children are a blessing from God, is it wrong to want more blessings or does it make you ungrateful for the blessings that you do have?
Does the desire for more children ever go away?
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I have never lost a baby and I cannot even imagine the pain that comes with that. I do, however, understand the rest of your post. I have two boys and a girl and my husband is content. I can't say that I am not content; we have three beautiful, healthy children. I would love more though. I would love my daughter to have a sister. Honestly, I do not think I would ever feel full or done. Nice post.
I too should feel full. I have three small children, the youngest will be a year old in November. I just turned 39 and my husband is 40. He is 'put a fork in him' done. And I should be. My kids are 5, 3 and 11 months and I homeschool. The first six months of my youngest life I don't remember b/c I was so sleep deprived. I have several friends who have one child and feel guilty for not wanting more. I feel guilty b/c I should be blessed and happy enough with three.
I too have verbally acknowledged that I'm done, I'm giving away baby clothes, baby gear and blankets, all the while knowing its a big fat lie and I secretly feel resentful that its a choice that's being made for me. I'm too old, we have a small house, its too expensive, we're too tired, my husband doesn't want it, would have a breakdown if it happened…. but what if we let God be in control? What would He desire?
I try to remember that for a man its different because they, if they're any count at all, worry about providing for their family. We do 99% of the work, but they have to provide and I think that is a huge weight upon their shoulders.
I don't think it's wrong to desire more. I think it's a natural desire when you enjoy your children and you're in a good marriage. God says that children are a blessing from Him. So, why would you not want more of God's blessings?
I often ask myself these questions. We have what most would call a large or perhaps very large family. However, we would happily accept more and the children pray for another sibling almost daily.
I pray that when we are finished that God will help us to feel finished. Who knows we could be reaching that point.
Oh goodness, I only wish I knew the answers to those questions! Your family story is so amazing! Each one of your children is truly a gift from God! How does Big Daddy feel about another one?
This is definitely a question I've been pondering lots lately, and I'm so glad you blogged about it. I recently had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. I had another miscarriage previously, then my son (who is now 2) with a very complicated pregnancy and delivery. There are many days when I feel happy and full with my only child (he has been very challenging, to say the least), but then again there are times when I think I would really like to have another, even if it is a struggle for us to get pregnant. I've always heard that you won't ever regret having more kids, but you might regret NOT having more. Not sure if that's true or not, and I think there are so many life circumstances (including infertility) that can come in to play. Such a tricky question. I don't know if there ever is a definite answer!
I want more. Even when I didn't know how I could handle it or the mere thought brought on anxiety, I would always be disappointed every month when I was not pregnant.
We have been hoping and praying and trying for another child for over a year now. It's not that Christian could ever be replaced. It's not that Austin and Noah are not enough. It's just that children are a gift and a joy and who wouldn't be happy to have another unique personality running around?
But I want God's will more than anything else. I want His best for me, not necessarily what *I* think best should be.
Your article says everything I feel and ask myself! I have two now…my husband and I are now on the same page to have three…but I still wonder if four are in our future! What if I never feel like I am done wanting children!! I wonder if that desire will always be with me! Thanks for sharing the same thoughts and wonderings!
What a candid & thought provoking post! Thanks for sharing your journey!