I don’t want to write this post but I am aching so bad, I don’t know how not to write it. I don’t even know what to call it. Hence, my lousy title.
As most of you know, last weekend was the Relevant conference. I was so excited to go. Okay, I was nervous about going but looking forward to meeting everyone and spending time with my amazing roommates Amy Bayliss and Marsha.
Then, my house was invaded by a virus. It hit every single person in our family except for Big Daddy. Being a Road Warrior he wasthankfully out of town for most of it and when he was home he wore a face mask. I kid you not…even to bed.
Baby Sister was the last to get it. Although I tried my best it was inevitable with all the sneezing and coughing that was being done around her and in her face. Sick 2 year old sisters are hard to keep away. They want their Mama too and still want to kiss their baby sister (snot covered faces be darned). As I said, I tried, but it was inevitable.
Baby Sister ended up on a nebulizer. It made things a bit more comfortable her and impossible for me to consider a) taking her to Pennsylvania and b) leaving her at home with Big Daddy. Not that Daddy isn’t capable. But, you know how it is.
As we got closer to Relevant Amy received horrible news and needed to stay behind to care for her family and process it all.
Then, I found out the real reason I needed to stay home as well. Our daughter’s adoption may not go through. She was placed into my arms 41 days ago but in some ways it feels like she has always been my child. There are no words to describe the many ways my heart is breaking right now. The fear that is coursing through my veins and the anguish I will feel if I have to tell my children that Baby Sister isn’t staying forever, like I promised.
I’m not ready to talk about the hows and whys of it, because honestly, when all is said and done, if I have to relinquish my daughter, does it really matter whose fault it is? Will that bring her back to me?
I believed that God wrote Baby Sister’s adoption story. I believed that He gave me the signs I asked for (unusual peace and speed) to show us that this was indeed His plan for our family. I want to still believe that. I want to believe that He will show up in a GIANT way and against all odds I will raise my daughter. If that happens it will be completely to His glory because there is not currently event the slightest crumb of hope—except in Him and through Him.
Amy missed Relevant too, but in the midst of pain and peace, God spoke to her, and she didn’t need to go to Relevant to hear it.
I hope He will speak clearly to me too and that no matter what happens I can honor Him and glorify Him through my actions and words.
I humbly ask you to lift Amy’s family and my family up in prayer.
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The beginning of our journey
Meeting my daughter’s Birth Father
Choosing an Adoption Professional
Placed into my arms
Oh wow, my heart breaks for you…and prayers are lifted up.
I will also be praying for you and thinking about you often.
Oh my. Praying, friend.
I am so sorry. A friend went thru this and it was so hard. Prayers for you.
Thoughts and Prayers are with you and your family
J
No no! I will pray for your family too! * big hugs*
Praying for you and your family.
Praying, praying, praying for you!!
I am so sorry Karin!
My heart hurts for you! I will for sure be praying for both of you. I'm curious what state you live in as I was an Adoption Specialist in Indiana and once papers are signed that's it unless she goes before a judge to try to prove why it is in the child's best interest to be with her and not you. I was told by a very prominent adoption attorney that he's seen 3 women try in 30 years and no judge ruled in their favor.
We had a tough adoption that took almost 3 years to finalize and a lot of heartache. I understand what you must be going through. God is ultimately in control. Prayers coming your way and hugs as well!
“He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.”
-Psalm 91:1,2
You did well to obey God's call to bringing your littlest one into your family. She is forever knitted to your hearts!
Trust God. Turn your fears over to Him. He is FAITHFUL.
Love you.
Praying for you and for Amy and her family.
I'm sending prayers for you. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have to give her up, after thinking that she is yours.
I'm so sorry…. I'll be praying for you and your family; I hope everything turns out ok.
just wanted to let you know that you will have more prayers coming yoru way!
Tough stuff! We are facing a similar situation with our foster baby. A few weeks after she came into our home a relative stepped forward. We grieved hard. A year later baby girl is a beautiful toddler and still in our home but still planning on going to the relative. We continue to grieve but cherish every day we have with her! Spent time in prayer for your family this morning. Julia (MomLifeToday.com)
Keeping you all in our prayers, my heart is so heavy for you. I know God has a perfect plan for you and your precious family. (((Hugs)))
I was thinking about you today wondering how you are doing and wanted to let you know you are in my prayers.
What? Oh my gosh I am so so sorry! I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through! You are such a strong person, hang in there! I'm not a big prayer but I will pray for you!
I'm so sorry that you are going through this mess. No words of mine can comfort you. Cling to your Lord and Savior. My prayer is that his will be done, and his glory revealed.
Your story, in so many ways, is a lot like ours! I am so glad that god in his infinite mercy and wisdom directed me to your blog. As you said the who and what are not important, but in oct. of last year we also waited to find out if baby s would remain with us.