I don’t want to write this post but I am aching so bad, I don’t know how not to write it. I don’t even know what to call it. Hence, my lousy title.
As most of you know, last weekend was the Relevant conference. I was so excited to go. Okay, I was nervous about going but looking forward to meeting everyone and spending time with my amazing roommates Amy Bayliss and Marsha.
Then, my house was invaded by a virus. It hit every single person in our family except for Big Daddy. Being a Road Warrior he wasthankfully out of town for most of it and when he was home he wore a face mask. I kid you not…even to bed.
Baby Sister was the last to get it. Although I tried my best it was inevitable with all the sneezing and coughing that was being done around her and in her face. Sick 2 year old sisters are hard to keep away. They want their Mama too and still want to kiss their baby sister (snot covered faces be darned). As I said, I tried, but it was inevitable.
Baby Sister ended up on a nebulizer. It made things a bit more comfortable her and impossible for me to consider a) taking her to Pennsylvania and b) leaving her at home with Big Daddy. Not that Daddy isn’t capable. But, you know how it is.
As we got closer to Relevant Amy received horrible news and needed to stay behind to care for her family and process it all.
Then, I found out the real reason I needed to stay home as well. Our daughter’s adoption may not go through. She was placed into my arms 41 days ago but in some ways it feels like she has always been my child. There are no words to describe the many ways my heart is breaking right now. The fear that is coursing through my veins and the anguish I will feel if I have to tell my children that Baby Sister isn’t staying forever, like I promised.
I’m not ready to talk about the hows and whys of it, because honestly, when all is said and done, if I have to relinquish my daughter, does it really matter whose fault it is? Will that bring her back to me?
I believed that God wrote Baby Sister’s adoption story. I believed that He gave me the signs I asked for (unusual peace and speed) to show us that this was indeed His plan for our family. I want to still believe that. I want to believe that He will show up in a GIANT way and against all odds I will raise my daughter. If that happens it will be completely to His glory because there is not currently event the slightest crumb of hope—except in Him and through Him.
Amy missed Relevant too, but in the midst of pain and peace, God spoke to her, and she didn’t need to go to Relevant to hear it.
I hope He will speak clearly to me too and that no matter what happens I can honor Him and glorify Him through my actions and words.
I humbly ask you to lift Amy’s family and my family up in prayer.