As an adoptive mother I thought a lot about what our child’s birth mother would be like. What I wished for her to be like. How I hoped God would prepare my heart for her. But to be honest, I didn’t give much thought to her birth father.
Even our family profile book, which I am now somewhat ashamed of, had a letter which began with the words, “Dear Birth Mother”.
The books I read, stories I heard, and education I received was primarily focused on the birth mother. To be fair that is most likely because the majority of women who place their children for adoption are single. Some are in abusive or destructive relationships. Some are really children themselves. Some are from relationships that didn’t last as long as the pregnancy. Some are through one night stands. Some are through non consensual sex. Some don’t know who the father is. Some don’t want to admit who the birth father is. Some are referred to as a case of bad timing. Some are a combination of the above. Some are none of the above.
All are unplanned pregnancies in one form or another.
The majority (but not all) of these scenarios tend to point towards men who skip town, deny paternity, suffer from addictions, don’t want to pay child support, cannot afford to pay child support, or would do anything not to be linked to the woman who was good enough for one night (or one thing) but not (in their opinion) someone they’d care to be bound to for the next 18 years. A few are just stunned that this happened to them.
And then there is our daughter’s birth father.
Meeting him was perhaps the scariest moment of my life. Since the details of his story are not all mine to share, I will just say that he wasn’t able to hold our daughter or participate in choosing the adoptive family she went to. I will just say that our daughter was placed in our home and then suddenly we found out she may not be able to stay. Situations and circumstances changed. Severe pressure was put on this young man by authority figures in his life. I wish I could tell you how severe. I really do.
Which makes me want to point out a bit of irony out to you. (Obviously) Birth Parents who sign consents for adoption cannot do so under duress, nor can there be any instances of fraud concerning their releases and waivers. In our situation (and I’m sure many others) our daughter’s birth father WANTED to sign, but was under severe duress NOT to do what he believed in his heart was right for his daughter.
Please contemplate that for a moment.
There is surprisingly still a lot of stigma associated with adoption. As a pro-life Christian woman, it is mind-boggling to me. I am constantly amazed at the things people will say to someone who is considering or has placed a child for adoption.
Why are you giving your baby away? I would never do that!
You need to man up and keep that baby!
You should keep that baby and maybe you can finally kick the (insert addiction and reckless behavior here) because of that baby!
As much as I’m disappointed in the people who unload those words of advice onto a birthparent, I’m equally shocked in the number of birth fathers who show no interest in parenting, but feel that the woman (whose fault it is) should raise the child on her own, without any support (financial, emotional, or actual physical help) from them. Why? Because they aren’t going to allow their child to be raised by strangers.
Raised by welfare, foster care, or the skin of their mother’s teeth…but not strangers.
Here is what surprised me about our daughter’s birth father:
He really struggled with not being in a position to raise her at the same time that he acknowledged he was woefully ill-prepared to raise her.
He cared about my feelings.
He walked out the door and told me that I should never worry, he won’t bother me, but if I ever want to allow him a visit he will be there!
He asked my permission to kiss our daughter before he left.
He stood up to such opposition in order to give this baby (that he has only held once in his life) a chance in life. It was amazing.
He dreams about meeting her again when she is 18 and hopes she will want to know him.
He LOVED that we knew every nuance about her personality and said he could tell how very loved she was.
He smiled. Constantly.
He is a new Christian and agreed that Baby Sister’s story was indeed written by God himself in all of the details. Especially that night.
And dare I say he was relieved?
But most of all what surprised me about him was that I fell in love with him. I pray for him. I desire a better life for him too. I believe God is going to use everything that has happened in his life up until this moment to write a powerful testimony for the Kingdom. He will be used. His testimony will bring glory.
I really believe that God intends adoption to be a blessing for everyone involved. For the adoptive parents they obviously gain a child. God’s ultimate blessing. There is so much the child gains including: life, opportunities and strong secure home life filled with more love than struggle. However birth parents can and should also be blessed with a peace that surpasses all understanding, forgiveness, respect, and healing. A seldom discussed truth about adoption is that its messy. Lives and situations are messy. People are messy. Circumstances are messy. But God can take all of that and turn it to good—-for everyone.
And we know in all things that God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
As a woman I don’t pretend to understand the emotions of a man who places his child for adoption. I’m sure they are complicated, to say the least. The Adoptive Parent (blog) recently wrote this piece that gave me a bit more insight into the thoughts of a Birth Father. I urge you to read it. Its not as lengthy as this post.
One day I hope to be able to sit down with my daughter and her birth father and find out what his process was like and how his life was changed. I hope my daughter will look back at her adoption and feel proud all of us, but especially her birth parents. I hope she will look him in the eyes and say Thank-You.
I know I will. If I can talk.
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Waiting…
Adoption Orientation Scheduled
Gotcha Day
Questioning Adoption
Gotcha Day: One year later
I never really thought about the birth father in adoption cases, either.
He sounds like a wonderful man.
And I am so happy for you that things are working out.
I'm happy for you!
We have a good relationship with our twins birth father as well. There are so many things about him that surprise me in a good way. He is so tender and loving towards them each time we get together.
On another note, when I was working in the field of adoption I was surprised by the love and concern of several men I worked with. On one particular occasion the man was the one to make the initial phone call to the agency and he was present at EVERY single meeting I had with the expectant mom.
Thanks for writing this post and for sharing your story. Your story is truly one of love!
Praise God for His wonderful grace!
Oh Karin, this post just makes me cry thinking of her birth father. The courage and humbleness it took. I am so glad the joy of the Lord shines through you so that this young man could see it with his own eyes.
Wow.
I'm glad it was a good visit. With our latest adoption I'm learning about what it's like to deal with a birth father who cares. The more I get to know him the more I learn that my perceptions of him were wrong. So far he has been completely open, honest, and sincere, and I really didn't expect that.
Such a beautiful story of God's grace.
I have friends who were new Christians when they found themselves pregnant (in college) and unprepared to raise a child. After much prayer, they felt God lead them to give their daughter to a specific family, and felt total peace. They later married and now are parents to 4 more children. My friend told me as hard as it was, she never felt that the baby was hers, she knew this child was for this other family, and so this young couple was able to go through that painful situation. I love the fact that you are loving on this young man… God's grace abounds!
I tried to comment yesterday but it wouldn't work. I'm so glad you got your happy ending and some good perspective to share with all of us. Enjoy those baby snuggles!
Such a beautiful post. We never met our son's birth father, but it was so emotional meeting the birth mother. whew!! Our daughter was in foster care, had been for years, so we never met either of them. It is messy, a big beautiful mess. Thank God that He is in control of it all!!