I was excited to dress Baby Sister to see her birth mother for the first time post placement.
I knew her favorite color was red, so I made sure she wore a special red outfit complete with matching flower headband.
Little thought was really given (on my end) as to what we would talk about. I had no agenda. It was an opportunity for me to see her and for her to see Baby Sister.
But all did not go as I thought, even in my limited thoughts & preparation for the visit.
Feelings were noticeably hurt by the obvious signs that Baby Sister had bonded with me. There was the turning of the head towards me when she heard my voice. Then the noticeable smiles and laughs she put in my direction—even though I purposely sat on the opposite side of the room.
It reminded me of the first time I held Baby Sister in front of her birth mother. Holding her felt awkward. I didn’t know the nuances of her personality and I was nervous. Overtired she began to cry and I immediately handed her back over. If I was a dog I’d have put my tail between my legs.
Now there she sat, holding the daughter that was hers and was now mine. The tables had turned and it was she who no longer knew the nuances of Baby Sister’s (ever changing) personality.
I hurt for her.
Questions were asked,
“Do you think she remembers me?”
Comments were made,
“She seems to really like you a lot.“
Leaving was awkward. At one point I actually asked her if she wanted me to leave the room. No sooner did the words come out of my mouth did I want to suck them back in. Thankfully, that suggestion was laughed off.
But it made me sad, when I thought it would make me happy. It is hard to tell how the visit made her feel. I took a ton of pictures for her but I am not ready to look at them.
I pray these visits help her validate her choice. Her social worker tells me they do.
I’m not sure yet what they do to me. But adopting Baby Sister was never just about me.
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Drowning in adoption paperwork
What I’ve learned about adoption
Adoption is complicated part 2
Contemplating Open Adoption
Choosing an Adoption Professional
shes beautiful and getting so big!! What a sweet thing to even DO the visits… how many people would decide to not do it… Your doing a wonderful thing… ty for sharing this with us… <3
I don't think I would have been prepared for that either. We had our one & only post-placement visit with JeJo when Claire was 3 months old. JeJo held Claire the whole two hours. She fed her, burped her, and Claire fell asleep in her arms. She was the perfect baby, and I was glad for that for her birth mother's sake. Now we're looking at a possible visit with J & A around the time when Leah is 6 months old. I'll see how things go with an infant at that age. I think whatever happens they will handle it okay, especially since they are already parenting.
Wow…that had to be hard. I really feel for both of you. Maybe all three of you even though she's just a little nugget still. Thank you for writing this…
I was adopted when I was only 4 days old. My story is a bit different in that I never met my biological mom. However, I have never for a moment been anything but grateful for what both women, my mom and my biological mom did for me. What created that bond was in how much my mom loved me, cared for me and she told me how she had always wanted a little girl and God specially picked me out just for her. Then, when I was 18, she wrote me a letter telling me how when I was a baby I didn't have a choice. But, now that I was becoming a woman, she wanted to ask me if I would consider allowing her to be my mom for the rest of my life because I choose. That was 13 years ago and I still get chills. My heart goes out to you and what you are feeling. Now that I have my own 2 princesses, I can't imagine what either women, my mom and biological mom felt. But, giving birth doesn't make you a mother; time, love, strength to teach right and wrong and sometimes, being willing to let go and trusting that God will bring your little birdy home. My mom did and I never left. I was honored to be asked to stay! 🙂 Blessings in Him <3
Wow. We are adopting a baby from Ethiopia so chances are we will never have an encounter like this. But it would break my heart.
Adoption is messy. It's good, but it's messy.
praying for her birth mother and for her MOMMY.
you are doing the right thing and you are doing it well. oh it is hard though, isn't it?!
We have an open adoption with our daughter's birth mother. She made her 1st trip to see us when baby s was 4 months old. E (the birth mother) stayed in our home with us for about a week. Most people think were crazy…. They don't understand the relationship we have with e. To be honest I don't understand it either. We are just simply trying to be obedient to what we believe god is asking our family to do. The adoption of baby s is about so much more than me….. It's about god and his glory. I truely believe that god will use the relationship we are forming with e to bring us, her and others closer to him! That being said…. god does not promise us that being obedient will be easy! It's hard to watch another woman hold your child and look at her the same way you look at her… With a deep affection- the way only a
mother can look at her child. E is coming for a 2nd visit the end of this week. This time she will only be staying 3 nights. Please pray for both of us. Pray that god will guard my heart and mind during the visit. Please also pray the same for e ….. Baby s is now 9 1/2 months old – she def. Recognizes me as her mother – reaching a looking for me to comfort her. I know this will be hard for e.