I was excited to dress Baby Sister to see her birth mother for the first time post placement.
I knew her favorite color was red, so I made sure she wore a special red outfit complete with matching flower headband.
Little thought was really given (on my end) as to what we would talk about. I had no agenda. It was an opportunity for me to see her and for her to see Baby Sister.
But all did not go as I thought, even in my limited thoughts & preparation for the visit.
Feelings were noticeably hurt by the obvious signs that Baby Sister had bonded with me. There was the turning of the head towards me when she heard my voice. Then the noticeable smiles and laughs she put in my direction—even though I purposely sat on the opposite side of the room.
It reminded me of the first time I held Baby Sister in front of her birth mother. Holding her felt awkward. I didn’t know the nuances of her personality and I was nervous. Overtired she began to cry and I immediately handed her back over. If I was a dog I’d have put my tail between my legs.
Now there she sat, holding the daughter that was hers and was now mine. The tables had turned and it was she who no longer knew the nuances of Baby Sister’s (ever changing) personality.
I hurt for her.
Questions were asked,
“Do you think she remembers me?”
Comments were made,
“She seems to really like you a lot.“
Leaving was awkward. At one point I actually asked her if she wanted me to leave the room. No sooner did the words come out of my mouth did I want to suck them back in. Thankfully, that suggestion was laughed off.
But it made me sad, when I thought it would make me happy. It is hard to tell how the visit made her feel. I took a ton of pictures for her but I am not ready to look at them.
I pray these visits help her validate her choice. Her social worker tells me they do.
I’m not sure yet what they do to me. But adopting Baby Sister was never just about me.