I am very committed to my husband and he is very committed to me.
Yet lately, it seems that we are both falling short of the expectations that our spouse has of us and for our marriage.
I wonder how many couples take the time to think and discuss what their expectations are of marriage before they enter into a life long union? Many of us take more time in choosing a car or homeschooling curriculum than we do in preparing for marriage. A few of us have the common sense to discuss the bigger issues–how many children, if any, they will have or if both will work full time. But what about the smaller things? What about who takes out the trash and changes the light bulbs? How will you spend your weekends? I think the smaller things can cause the most irritation if you let them.
The household I grew up in was far from perfect, and I’m the last one on earth who’d like to marry my father. Yet, in some ways I thought I would.
My father fixed things inside the house and outside the house.
He changed light bulbs and laid down the law with contractors, both at work and at home.
His weekends were devoted to tackling the lists my mother made for him of things she’d like done around the house.
I’m not sure what my father-in-law did, but I suspect he didn’t do any of the above and neither does my husband.
On the surface, each item individually seems so small and petty and yet over the past ten years of marriage I’ve come to resent this.
Totally resent it.
My mother-in-law wasn’t much of a mother. Children were basically an accessory, something you had because that was what was expected. She was a career woman with other things on her mind. I suppose my husband thought when he came home from work it would be all about him—or mostly about him. Instead, I focus on the children completely. I grew up in a household where I wasn’t paid much attention to and so I overcompensate.
I know that my priorities should be God, my husband and then my children.
So, why is it so hard to follow that?
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What an honest post.
If I were you, I'd probably end up tackling all my own projects and resenting my husband because he never did anything, just because I hate it when I ask someone to do something and they put it off. I was raised on this mantra: if you want it done right, do it yourself.
But I never think it's too late to have the expectations talk. Even if you bring it up because you've been reading a really great book on marriage. Bring it up the right way, and hopefully he'll be receptive. Chances are he married you because he wanted his marriage to be different from the one he was raised by.
Love this post… thank you for your honesty and openess…
Most times we all are looking to have better than what we had growing up… Its never to late to sit down and talk about what you guys are doing….
Like a “honey do list” talk…. as in … Honey… I would love it if you would do……… because it helps me to do………. and it makes life smoother when we work at it together as a team.
It says in the scriptures that being the parent.. and raising children is one of the most sacred things we will ever do….and in my book that means the kids do come first….you just have to find the balance so that when the kids are grown and gone.. your not left with just a roomie.
Its hard to do… but thats why it is so worthwhile to strive/work/fight for.
My husband's father and grandfather were both only children. My hubby is 1 of 3 children. I think that really makes a difference. His dad and grandfather both have the mentality that the wife/mother devotes all free time to the husband/son. So, over the last 13 yrs. my husband has had to “adjust” his thinking!
I guess what I'm trying to say is how a man is raised can certainly affect what kind of husband he is!
I've often thought I should take home improvement classes at Home Depot and just do all the things that need to be done!
I try to look at the big picture–why aren't the things getting done? Oh, it's because my husband works 40+ hours a week, helps church members, helps his grandparents, takes the toddlers to the store with him so I can have a few moments of quiet. And for those things, I'm truly thankful.
Give your “to-do” list to the Lord, He will find a way to get the done! ( :
It is so hard to put my priorities in that order. I put my kids first, then my husband, then God. I know it's wrong, but it's hard to put things in the “right” order.
I am glad you are aware of your priorities. Keeping them in that order takes constant evaluation and shuffling. My problem in the past has been that I would also throw ME in there. 😉
David is completely opposite my dad. I try to focus on the those differences that are good and really build him up with my words and appreciation in those areas.
As far as trash and those other details, I struggled a lot with that a few years ago. What made the difference for me was determining that if it is something I COULD do myself, I would do it! To bless my husband. To not set myself up for needless disappointment. Why get angry or worked up about something unnecessarily? Kind of like picking up cups and dirty clothes from around the room… I know he's going to do it, I know I will get upset about it… I can't change HIM, but I can change ME.
I choose that this is what I will do. My response is my responsibility.
It's never easy to do the right thing. But with God first, you set the foundation for wisdom and help in the husband and kids department. God will honor your heart. Only He can change the things that really matter in our husbands and in our marriage.
I love you Karin!
I hear you. Kids change the game. It's normal to feel resentful but dangerous to let it simmer too long without discussing it.
in all of this, it's also what's so great about marriage. The opportunity you two have to figure these things out together.
I am feeling similarly and I know it's time for my hubs and I to chat. I think we all start out with certain expectations, but as we grow and get older and have kids, etc., dynamics shift, priorities change, and we evolve. Which means we need to periodically reevaluate…I need to do this NOW. Thanks for this thoughtful post.
Hi Karin,
I have been married 13 years and we had plenty of those rough patches early on. Throw four children in the mix in the first half dozen years, homeschooling and everything else you do and it's a lot to adjust to.
I believe God is always looking for our reaction. Our church studied honor recently–how can we honor God, honor our husband, our children, friends. I think instead of trying to change things, you can ask God how to honor Him in these struggles. Then, how you can honor your husband despite what you see as shortcomings. Realistically, others' “shortcomings” are people just not meeting our needs. And, we are to think of others as better than ourselves. (Phil 2:3 I believe.) I know it is so hard when we are in the midst of it. Just trying to share something that I know helped me through times like this.
I've seen God work in my marriage and it worked out when my husband and I both fixed our own relationship with God. With issues I had, it was letting God fix me and I stopped praying for God to change my husband. That honor thing has really helped as well. When God sees selfless behavior–it honors him.
Raising four children and being a wife–is a selfless thing and I know God will honor your faithfulness.
Take everything I wrote with a grain of salt–I'm still learning myself!
xoxo
I think marraiges can be taken for granted a little too often. If you don't constantly work at it, then before you know it, the marraige is over!
I've always been afraid to be the “nagging” wife so I've tried not to ask too much from my husband hoping that he will just know what I want him to do. Yeah, that doesn't work at all.
So we sort of assigned each other different responsibilities so we knew what was expected of each other, that has definitely helped us!