I really love Amazon.com. Big Daddy swears I am their best customer. I doubt it, but I should probably qualify for some sort of discount coupon a few times a year. One of the reasons I love Amazon.com is that I can often purchase out of print books in good condition. I’m picky about books—and I prefer not to loan them out so please don’t ask me!
But I’ve gotten off topic again.
I wanted to tell you about Birthmark, an out-of-print book by author Lorraine Dusky. I read it in a day. With four children and a mountain of adoption paperwork, during blood tests and physicals, I read it. I couldn’t put it down. It was published in 1979 and chronicles the story of Lorraine Dusky’s life before, during and after she placed her daughter for adoption in April 1966.
‘ They call me “biological mother.” I hate those words. They make me sound like a baby machine, a conduit, without emotions. They tell me to forget and go out and make a new life. I had a baby and I gave her away. BUT I AM A MOTHER.’ From Birthmark
Yes, adoption laws have changed and thankfully women who choose to place their children for adoption are given more information and opportunity than Lorraine was. She wasn’t able to see or hold her daughter (born prematurely). She didn’t meet or select the couple who would raise her daughter and she was never offered an opportunity to have a semi or open adoption plan.
The book chronicles the pain she endured after placing her daughter for adoption and the reason she has become an advocate for adopted children getting access to their original birth certificate and closed adoption file. As a potential adoptive mother and mother of 4 (biological) children it was a heartbreaking read. But while I obviously don’t take the stance that Lorraine Dusky does (she seems entirely anti adoption) I feel I can understand how she arrives at that point of view and I hurt for the women who have not had an opportunity to at least know what happened to the children they placed for adoption.
Recently, Ms. Dusky was in the news again (NY Times) :
“In 1981, when her biological daughter turned 15, Ms. Dusky managed to establish contact. The two became close, and also had fallings out. During one such gap in their relationship, the daughter, Jane Pertzborn, then 20, had an unintended pregnancy. Her baby, too, was adopted.” (Excerpt: Adoption, Reunion, Connection)
Interestingly enough Ms. Pertzborn had no interest in ever meeting the biracial daughter she placed for adoption. She also committed suicide leaving Ms. Dusky to try to pick up the pieces with her grand daughter who, after initially rejecting an offer of meeting, has begun to have a relationship with Ms. Dusky.
I think this book is a must-read for anyone considering adoption. It opens your heart to the possibilities and importance of having an open or semi-open adoption; and it even takes away some of the fear of having the child you adopt meet the woman who gave birth to him/her.
“I hope your parents don’t think I am some kind of pariah come back to haunt them, or hurt them. I hope they understand I don’t want to hurt you. That’s the last thing I’d ever want. I don’t imagine that if I found you, your life with them would change that much; you just can’t walk out on what I hope has been a lifetime of love. But I could tell you what happened. I could ask you to forgive me.
Yes, I’d like to have you visit me. You could call me Lorraine, it would be fine. I’d just like to see you. Even if I couldn’t talk to you.”
Birthmark by Lorraine Dusky page 190
The part that Ms. Dusky does not talk about, but that I know from several of my friends who have adopted, is this: Sometimes the birth mothers (first mothers, biological mothers) just disappear or stop contact on their own. I’m not sure if it is because the contact itself is more painful, or if having contact has allowed them to heal and find peace in their decision. But it does happen and there is a new generation of women who have placed their child for adoption who say they believe they did the right thing. Women who obviously felt they would have chosen abortion if adoption wasn’t an option. Ms. Dusky herself had tried to get an abortion in Puerto Rico but was turned down because she was so far along in her pregnancy. Do you think Ms. Dusky knows that whatever she felt while looking for her daughter would have been a million times worse had she aborted her?
Adoption can be a beautiful thing. But it is obviously born out of pain. Adopting a child is often first born out of pain too. The majority of couples who grow their family through adoption are unable to have a child of their own. They cannot just chose to start their family when they want but must instead wait for a birth mother to pick them…or until they can save up $25,000-$60,000 (typical agency adoption).
As I think about the moment I will meet our child’s birth parent I get tears in my eyes. I hurt for her already and yet I’m so grateful. I’m so grateful we are going to have an opportunity to raise, nurture and love this child. I am so grateful that if our child ever wants to know something about her I’ll be able to provide that information and maybe even facilitate a meeting. That was something I was afraid of before. Because I worried about me. About me losing “my place” in our child’s life and “my title” of Mom. I worried that even though I know I can love a child to whom I have no biological ties, I worried that this child wouldn’t be able to love me if they met the woman with whom they do have biological ties.
I don’t know how anyone can go through life without having faith in God.
I believe God has a plan for our family through this adoption. I believe His plan as stated in Jeremiah 29:11 will not harm me. I believe His plan can bring hope and a future to everyone who will be involved in our adoption.
I have faith and I’m praying for peace.
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The Visit
Adoption is complicated part 2
Gotcha Day: One year later
Placed into my arms
The beginning of our journey
That sounds like a really interesting book.
My mom placed a baby for adoption in 1963. All her life, she was adamant that the child not find her. Her opinion was that it wasn't fair to her to disrupt the life she had when she made the right and best choice for the baby. She dreaded if it ever happened. Truly. She want home to glory two and a half years ago with him never contacting her. I see both sides of it, but really do believe that if the birth mother chose a closed file, it should be honored. No matter how hard.
I so badly want to adopt, but my husband is not there. He's not closed to the idea, but he's not ready. I guess my mom's opinion and our experience in watching others adopt and foster has made me very tentative about adopting domestically. I don't want my child taken from me some day, physically or emotionally.
We definitely have to follow the LORD's leading and then trust Him no matter what life decisions we make. Adoption is no different.
I can understand your mother's feelings. Interestingly enough one of our women's ministry bible study leaders had a similar story. Only she was contacted by the daughter she placed for adoption. She had told no one but her husband. She went through a period of anger. She was angry with God. She was hurt and confused. Then she agreed to meet the woman who was adamant that she a) was only curious to meet her and wanted nothing else from her but an opportunity to look at her. b) felt she had a great life with great parents and had no ax to grind.
Now my friend has 3 grandchildren and a relationship with the daughter she placed for adoption.
Everyone's story is different. I have some friends who have ZERO desire in meeting their birth parents and others who wanted to.
Because I won't know how my child will feel eventually I have to prepare myself for a meeting and some sort of contact.
It cannot be about me and my FEARS. That would be selfish.
As for your hubby. Just keep praying. Mine was not for adoption initially either…and I NEVER thought I would pursue a domestic infant adoption myself!
wow what a post!
I also finsished this book recently and just loved it! What a fantastic writer Lorraine is and how very brave she was to write such a controversial book (printed in 1979). I read her blog and enjoy her musings about adoption.
You are right, things have changed immensely in the decades since she relinquished her rights, but it is very important to hear her story because there were so many from that generation who followed the same path she did: not knowing her child or where she was.
As a birth mother, I can say that this book is a very realistic account of what women go through when they place for adoption. I had an open adoption two decades after she did, and it is women like her who have spoken out that has helped change adoption for the better. Great book!
I feel lucky that I had a closed adoption. I was a super emotional child and now that I'm 36…I look back and wonder if I would have manipulated everyone if it was an open adoption. One of the books that helped me as an adoptee is called – Being Adopted. I read it in my 20s before I began my search for my birth mother. Loved reading your post and agree that every story and life is different.
I feel so lucky I had a closed adoption. I won't go into my long story other than to say I was a VERY emotional child and probably would have manipulated the whole open adoption thing. A book that really healed me was – Being Adopted – I read it in my 20s. Great post!
I don't imagine that if I found you, your life with them would change that much; you just can't walk out on what I hope has been a lifetime of love.
That is something to keep in mind. A true relationship goes so much further than blood ties.
David's mom had a son with another man and gave him up for adoption back in the late 60s. We have tried to find him before but it was difficult with such little information. We have since dropped the search as David is not really wanting to pursue it anymore. I pray that his half brother is having a lifetime of love and knows Jesus Christ personally. That way, if we don't meet here on earth, we can finally meet in Heaven.
I am glad that God has opened you and your husband's heart to adoption. Y'all have so much love and care to give and that precious child is blessed to become part of your family. I know that you will raise that child for God's glory.
My best friend had a baby 2 weeks before me. I watched that baby come into this world, held her, and dressed her for three days. My friend had picked out a loving family and we all cried when she placed that baby into their arms. She now recieves detailed updates and pictures. I feel like a no just as much about that baby as I do my cousins. Shawna loves hearing about all the things she does that are just like her. She also is a mirror image of Shawna. She has never regretted her decision because she knows how her baby's life is and how she is being raised. I think adoption has come a long way that is more healthy for everyone involved. I wish you the best!
Wow. What a story! Adoption is such a blessing.
I want to applaud you for looking at adoption from all angles. You are taking this seriously, as you should. Adoption has touched my life in so many ways, from grown friends who were adopted from birth, a friend in high school who gave up his daughter for adoption and now has a relationship with her as an adult, to a family who recently completed a domestic adoption only to discover the child was abused and has emotional issues. Thank you for being so honest about all the variables.
Hello, I just came across this and wanted to say thank you. I am busy finishing up a second memoir, a follow up to Birthmark, and about the relationship my daughter and I had after I found her. It will be called Hole in My Heart. She died, however, in 2007.
I look forward to reading it Ms. Dusky. Thank-you for taking the time to comment. I believe everyone’s stories are important and valuable. As a now adoptive parent I continue to try to remain open to the views of the ‘other side’.
We all have a different story to tell…for some of us blood ties are stronger, even after being adopted in what looks like to society as a “successful” adoption. The hard thing is that “success” has to be judged by the adopted person…and we all feel things differently. Society has a hard time understanding this “side” of things. It’s like watching someone shivering and trying to convince them they are not cold. Every adoption experience ultimately “belongs” to the person it’s about….the child. I think lots of people over look this…
I am an adoptee and an adoptive mom. I adore my adoptive daughter and all my kids, really. I hope the love and support I give her will be most of what she needs. But if it is not, I won’t let my feelings be hurt by that…it will be about how SHE feels, not about how I feel.
I hope I am making some sense…