Recently we had another visit with our daughter’s birth mother. As I mentioned before, she is pregnant again. Less than a year after placing our daughter for adoption. She told me she didn’t want to get pregnant again but that her very young boyfriend WANTED a baby and so he decided to try to get her pregnant…and lets just say she didn’t exactly stop him or prevent the pregnancy.
If I thought the last visit (her first after placement) was tough it was really just a warm up for this one. It was traumatic, to say the least.
In her mind the purpose of the visit was NOT to gain validation of her choice and to see that our daughter was adjusted, bonded, healthy and happy. That is just the propaganda spewed by many adoption professionals to the adoptive families. The reality of her visit request was that she worried that our daughter would forget her.
The visit showed her that our daughter forgot her.
She was apparently told by her social worker that the baby would always know her smell and recognize her. Um, that didn’t happen.
Our daughter was placed at 12 weeks. She is now a 14 month old child who is enjoying her ability to walk. She didn’t want to be held, especially by someone other than her Mom and Dad. She was more curious about the room and looking out the window then interacting with someone new.
Truth be told, she is a Daddy’s girl and prefers him over me any day.
I of course had expressed my concerns in advance to the social worker who blew them off and stated that our daughter’s birth mother was “well aware that the baby would not go to her” but would be more comfortable with her parents. Then she gave me the song and dance about just wanting to get validation of their choice. I don’t know where they get that this validates their choice. The desire to visit the child comes from the GRIEF rebirthed after seeing her pictures and then the FEAR she will not remember her or love her in the future.
Many tears were shed. It broke my heart.
I tried to explain to her that our daughter would know about her because of the fact that we aren’t keeping her adoption a secret. That she will grow up knowing she is adopted, and that it’s not a big deal to be adopted. We will share with her information from and about her birth mother (if she ever gets around to writing that letter and making that scrapbook) and birth father as is age appropriate. At a certain point in time she will be given everything I am collecting and saving for her and of course she will be free to seek out her birth parents if she wishes… with nothing but support from her family.
Everything our daughter has, opportunity she will be given, education she will receive, the family she has, and the lifestyle she lives will all be a product of the decision her birth mother made.
But make no mistake, I am no longer drinking the Adoption Agency’s cool-aid.
In our situation I can clearly see that the visits are not about closure. The pictures and letters don’t validate the choice (for some birth mothers) but instead reopen the wound and start the cycle of grief and loss all over again.
I will never be convinced that these birth mothers are offered sufficient counseling services. I don’t think that individual situations and personalities are taken into consideration. Everything is cookie cutter. Feeling sad? All you need is some pictures. Regretting your decision? Why don’t we schedule a visit and then you’ll feel better.
But what I learned is that the opposite is true. Our daughter’s birth mother admitted that the pictures hurt her…they made her want our daughter back. She admitted that she didn’t particularly feel good after visiting with her but that her FEAR that she would forget her made her want to schedule a visit.
Again, this wasn’t about closure or about healing. It was about prolonging the grief. About ripping off the scabs and reopening the wound.
This isn’t healthy. For either of us.
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The Visit
Drowning in adoption paperwork
Waiting…
The adoption journey begins…
Sorry things had to turn out that way especially when you knew what it would be like. Unless a friendship develops between the adoptive parents and birth parents, frequent visits at such a young age have little purpose. Kind of hard for that to happen when communication is one-sided. I hope she writes that letter to your daughter. That will be more valuable in the future than photos from an upsetting visit.
Life choices are never cookie cutter. I am so glad that God has given you a compassionate heart, Karin. This has got to be very difficult for you, but what a blessing you must be to the birth mother with your kind and assuring responses.
I'm sorry the visit was so difficult. I hope she writes that letter too!
Oh wow! I'm a mom through adoption….and this post just hit home for me. So many thoughts that I just can't put into words. Thanks for sharing this!
Ugh! Just catching up today. I am SO sorry for BOTH of you! Was there any discussion regarding what her plans are for this second baby? Is she pregnant with a full blooded sibling? Did she hint at whether she's looking to you as a potential option again?
I think you're completely right about this particular case and what the visits are doing to her.
THANK You for seeing through what the adoption industry wants us all to believe.
While open adoption is better than the closed system, it does not take away the grief and pain of relinquishment, but rather makes that separation, that loss, a part of daily life. It still hurts like heck and sometimes, I think, might be more painful for moms. We have to relive the separation again and again after each visit.
Sadly, it sounds like both you and her were told erroneous facts or what the adoption agency wants to us all to believe for then, it helps to “sell” adoption to all parties. I can tell you that you do both her and your child a great service by seeing the reality of adoption.
Again, thank you!
I’m an adoptive mom, trying to navigate an open adoption. And there is a constant battle raging in my mind about whether I’m pushing openness by requesting visits that may do more harm than good. I feel like I’m floundering here, not knowing if I’m “doing enough” if I don’t reach out to my son’s birthmom… or worried I’m hurting her by bringing it up all the time. Ugh. I don’t know what Kool Aid I’m drinking, lol. Sometimes I feel so lost.